When Giving Becomes Extractive: Rethinking Systems
How to rebalance what you're building
Before I get into it, a quick one.
I recently did a talk for Help Musicians as part of International Women’s Day on my Four Pillars for Building a Long-Lasting Career or Business:
Your Relationship With Money
Your Emotional and Physical Health
Your Strategy
Your Network
It was only 20 minutes, which wasn’t nearly enough time to do these justice.
So, I’m running a free lunchtime session to go into more depth. If that sounds useful, the waiting list is HERE. 🔗
It’ll be closing soon, with the date announced in April.
Now, onto what I’ve been thinking about this week, heavily inspired by some coaching sessions I delivered (using LEGO® Serious Play® as a coaching tool).
When Giving Becomes Extractive: Rethinking Our Systems
You build something because you believe in it. You create a space, a platform, a programme to help others move forward. And at first, it’s working. People show up. They benefit.
But then they move on.
And suddenly, you’re left wondering: Why does it feel like I’ve given everything while others have only taken?
I’ve worked with a few people this year who have spent 10 - 15 years pouring their energy, time, and sometimes their own money into building something, not for themselves, but for others.
Their motivation wasn’t about getting to the top. It was about breaking down barriers, creating opportunities for people like them, and shifting their industry in a more inclusive direction.
But now, after years of giving, they’re exhausted and frankly a bit disillusioned.
They’ve seen people come through their doors, benefit hugely from the opportunities offered, and then leave, rarely looking back.
And here’s the thing: it’s not that those who benefitted were bad people. They were simply operating as ‘the system’ had trained them to.
The Cost of Building Something for Others in an Extractive System
At the end of the day, we live in a capitalist society, and in capitalism, the dominant mindset is extraction:
You take as much as you can (usually way more than you need).
You leverage it to move forward.
You keep going, always looking upwards, never back.
And if you reach the top? You’ve earned it. You deserve it.
But what happens when you build something based on generosity, in a system that rewards the opposite?
You give and give. Others take and take.
Until you’re standing there, wondering: Was this all worth it?
The Shift: We Don’t Need More Things, We Need to Grow People
In a recent coaching session, a client who had been grappling with this issue for a while was able to see: we don’t need to build more things, we need to grow people.
They’d spent years building initiatives and projects to bring people together and help them access what was previously inaccessible but it wasn’t working out the way they’d imagined. The people coming through these spaces were still playing by the old rules: still extracting and moving on up without looking back.
This isn’t about blaming individuals. It’s about seeing the bigger picture: if we want to change the system, we have to change how people engage with it. Otherwise those who are being oppressed will just blindly continue to participate in their own oppression without even realising they're doing it.
Why We’ve Stopped Questioning the System
This reminded me of a study highlighted by Warren Berger, author of ‘A More Beautiful Question’ that found:
🎙 We are at our peak ability to ask questions when we’re four years old (especially girls).
📉 But the more time we spend in formal education, the less we question things.
📚 By the time we leave school most of us have stopped asking ‘why’ entirely.
Which means if we want to change the system, we have to raise a generation that is willing to question it.
And that starts with us.
So Where Do We Go From Here?
For those who have spent years building something, only to feel like they’ve been left behind, here’s the hard truth: capitalism isn’t going to reward you for your vision or generosity. Ouch, right?
But that doesn’t mean it was for nothing.
As someone who spent over a decade building something that didn’t benefit me economically in the way work is expected to, I still stand by it. I saw the life-changing impact it had, not just on the beneficiaries, but on my team and the people who supported us.
So instead of asking, “How do I build something that's long lasting and successful?”, maybe the questions we need to ask are:
"How do I grow people first, and build something second?"
"What would it look like if my work helped someone to create a shift in their consciousness?"
"What might happen if (in some small way) I helped others to start asking why again?"
If This Hits Home, Try This:
If you’re feeling stuck between wanting to give to others and protecting yourself from being taken advantage of, here’s something to try:
📝 Make a list of the people who have invested in you along the way.
💬 Reach out to one of them this week. Not to ask for anything, just to reconnect, to see how they are and to say thank you.
🌱 Start noticing where extraction is happening in your own world. Where do things feel unbalanced? Where do you feel taken for granted?
You don’t have to change the system overnight. But you can start questioning it again.
Let me know {{contact.last_name}}, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one.
Have a great weekend and till soon!
Jennie x
P.S. If you want to book a quick virtual cuppa then just reply to this email or grab a time in my calendar [HERE].
Connect with me here:
📸 Instagram: @jenniecashman
🔗 LinkedIn: in/jenniecashman