To The End of The Universe And Back
The little girl who’d cried during assembly came up to me and asked, “Do you miss Abram this much?” And stretched out her arms as wide as she possibly could, “Or to the end of the Universe and back?”
I made a little girl cry yesterday. I didn’t mean to. I was telling her a story. My ‘Becoming Brave’ story. She was sat quietly with all the other Year 3s and then about halfway through the book (the bit where Abram disappears) she burst into tears. ‘Fuuuuuuuck.’ I thought to myself. I desperately wanted to stop reading and give her a hug, but a teacher was already there and the actor in me carried on. When I finished the book, I asked if she was okay. I couldn’t help myself, and of course everyone turned to see but as they were only eight years old they were pretty non-plussed about it. Tears? Standard. It turns out she’d lost her uncle about 18 months ago and had been really close to him.
That’s not how my day started though. It began with a couple of teachers sharing their experiences of loss. One teacher told me they’d lost both parents within four weeks of each other during the first lockdown. They explained they’d never had a proper funeral and now doesn’t speak to their family because it’s too painful. There’s a reason we have rituals. Saying goodbye properly with people you love is important, if you don’t something gets stuck and once stuck it’s very difficult to unstick.
Assembly ended up being a big chat about life and death. About how Abram wasn’t in pain anymore (their words not mine) and how we can hold multiple feelings at the same time and be happy for the life we have now but still miss the person who’s not here to share it with us (my words not theirs). Even though that would be impossible because I have a dog now and Abram was scared of dogs. One little boy pointed out that if Abram was supposed to be brave why was he scared of dogs and off we went down a dog story tangent.
With assembly over I launched into my first workshop. At the end the class teacher thanked me while welling up, this time I went in for a hug. I couldn’t help myself. During breaktime another teacher told me her class had been in tears after assembly and as they talked it through she realised that they didn’t feel comfortable expressing their grief (of grandparents, pets, aunts and uncles, parents) and the assembly had opened something up and allowed them to feel their feelings.
This was turning out to be a much heavier day than I’d anticipated but I was okay with that and it reminded me that because I’m open about my feelings and don’t run away from them it gives others permission to be open about theirs. Good job I’ve had a lot of therapy! Good job it’s 12 years later. It was actually 12 years last weekend. Sunday 9th June. I spent it with Adam (my partner) and Misty (my dog) in my little home by the river in Bedford. We went to the market via the coffee and donut shop. Adam bought me flowers (as instructed) and lasted all of five minutes before he went off to smoke (as I’d been pre-warned). We wandered back via Waterstones, bought his son some books then headed home to light a fire (in JUNE), eat leftovers and find a new series we could watch together on Netflix.
It was just a normal day and I was so grateful for it. After Abram died it was the little things that had driven me crazy about him that I missed the most, like his socks on the floor. I missed the ordinariness about it and began to call it ‘socks on the floor love’. Nothing special, yet so special.
Yesterday evening I was driving up north to stay with my aunt and uncle for a couple of nights before we head off to Anglesey for a family holiday. I ended up listening to an interview with Simon Cowell on The Diary Of A CEO podcast because 1) his interviews are long and so was my drive and 2) if you know me you’ll know I love a little bit of celeb in my life. He talked about the loss of both his parents and the impact it had on him, how it had driven him to work relentlessly until his son came along and changed everything. He said, “I’m alright now, thank God.” He said it twice as if to check that he really was alright.
When you go through a big grief journey it feels incredibly lonely a lot of the time, so you fill it with work, alcohol, drugs, food, late nights, exercise, bad decisions… anything to not feel so lonely. You don’t really care what happens to you because the worst has happened and honestly, you just want to be with the person (or people) you’ve lost. Until one day you’re faced with a choice. In Cowell’s case he had a son. In my case someone told me if I carried on the way I was I’d be dead in three years. That’s another story for another day but the point is it forced me to choose: here or there? This life or that? The people in your life now or the people you’ve lost? I didn’t want to die (obviously) but really choosing to be here? That was hard because that meant fully letting go of Abram. I remember sitting on my bed and saying out loud while tears were streaming down my face, “Abram, I love you but I want to be here now. I want to live. I want a life, my own life. And even though you won’t be in it I still love you and I will always love you, okay?”
Building a new life doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a lot of little steps over months and years. To quote Cheryl Strayed, “And then one day you find yourself alone on a bench in the sun and you close your eyes and lean your head back and you realize you’re okay.” Letting go, I eventually understood was slowly, gradually folding Abram into my heart until he was just a part of me, like breathing air.
When the workshops had ended the little girl who’d cried during assembly came up to me and asked, “Do you miss Abram this much?” And stretched out her arms as wide as she possibly could, “Or to the end of the Universe and back?” As I watched her stretching out just one arm this time and looking far into the distance I smiled and said, “To the end of the Universe and back. Always…always.”
Next week I’m on holiday so I’m practicing what I preach and will be offline for that time. Here’s something you can ponder while I’m away: what are you numbing with being busy/working/eating/drinking/exercising/something else? How will you stop numbing yourself so you can feel what you need to feel? And finally, what support might you need to help you do that?
What I’m reading: I’ve almost finished ‘Home Going’ by Yaa Gyasi. I’ve really enjoyed it but for various reasons I’ve not given myself a lot of time to read lately. I’m hoping the week off will be a time to dive into some new books. Watch this space.
What I watched: ‘American Fiction’, ‘Fool Me Once’ and ‘Bridgerton’ all on Netflix.
What I listened to: An interview with Simon Cowell on The Diary Of A CEO podcast and ‘Détends-toi’ by Stella.
Tech I’m using: Please can you send me your apps for social media editing? Not Canva. I use that already and find it annoying (I know, it’s really great blah blah). Or Captions. Got that one too. Thanks!
Trending down: Adam and his sugar addiction. He has a super high metabolism. I do not. One week with him and my clothes are tighter. His are not.
Trending up: I went on a run this week for the first time in I actually can’t remember when but it was definitely last year sometime!
Till soon!
Jennie x
P.S. Here are some ways you can work with me:
· 1:1 or small group coaching for ambitious purpose-driven creatives to gain clarity, confidence and motivation so they can make more money to reinvest in their careers, businesses and communities. Check out some testimonials HERE.
· Workshops and masterclasses that achieve meaningful outcomes through playful ways. LEGO® SERIOUS PLAY® is one way, but I have other tricks up my sleeve. To find out more book a call with me HERE.
· Workshops for children between 4-8 years old exploring feelings of courage, fear and loss honestly, sensitively and most importantly playfully. They accompany my children’s book, ‘Becoming Brave’. More info can be found HERE.
Thanks, Myra. Sending hugs. ❤️
This post pulled my heart strings enough to shed some tears too, thank you for sharing your experience and the encouragement to face up to avoidance, enjoy your holiday!